I'm Not Growing Up, I'm Just Burning Out

So...This is not the blog post that I had planned to be writing next. What I have to say right now isn't exactly cheerful. It's a bit more of a downer than what I originally wanted to say. But what I want to say now is that...I think I might have actually done it. I think, I might have actually managed to fail an assessment piece.

It's very strange, I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. I think I knew it was a possibility when I first handed it in, but I'm very good at lying to myself, or avoiding thinking about things when I choose… I find it scary how casually I react to my own shortcomings. I wonder what's wrong with me, where has my ambition gone? I suppose I still do have ambition, but I need to care about things more than I currently do.

Tomorrow morning, in the very first session, is when I will be receiving my marks. What an excellent way to begin my day. When my teacher said this afternoon that she couldn't confirm that no one failed, many girls exclaimed, "Oh no, that's me!"

Honestly, it's not you. Can you please have a little courtesy, and think about those who actually might have to consider the fact that they may have failed? I expressed my concerns to my friends, who immediately tried to reassure me that I did not fail. It was lovely of them and completely normal for their compassionate personalities, but did little to make me feel any better about my chances.

I should clarify that I did try with this assignment. I wrote an assignment, full of correct and sourced information. If truth be told, I did not adhere to exactly what the task asked of me. I was supposed to create an investigation. But I did not investigate...I suppose I just stated some information and tried to draw conclusions. I was not confident with what I was doing, nor did I manage my time well.

I can only hope that I don't fail. I can only hope that  my family won't have to know about it either. It won't be a huge deal, but they expect more of me. I expect more of me, or I used to, anyway. I hope I don't cry if it does happen. I know that my teacher will be kind to me, because she likes me. The only partially positive aspect in the situation, is that I have the chance to do this task again next term, for which I am quite relieved. I didn't know that until this afternoon.

I'd like to think that I have accepted my fate, so that if tomorrow arrives and I have failed, I am not crushed. We'll see. I'll have my wonderful friends by my side to assist me. I know that things need to change and that I'm the only one who can do it for me. I often wonder how I arrived at this point. I think about leaving it quite a lot.