Out of the Frying Pan and into the Fire

Would you look at that. Let's stick to the recurring trend of scathing posts, drowning in bitter and biting tones. Why not. No one else will read this, though I have one faithful reader and I love her dearly. I guess I'm sorry for these loathsome posts. I hope they will get better in the future. No doubt I'll feel ashamed of this post later on, as I have of the others, though it doesn't make this one or those ones any less true. Although I never was awake for that sunrise, which I said I would be. That didn't actually happen.

So, out of the frying pan and into the fire. A good summary of this year. Basically leave everything until the last minute and then panic and get it done, sometimes quite shoddily. Now I've pretty much arrived at the point where I leave everything to the last minute, panic and don't really get it done. Earlier this year I wrote about maybe failing an assessment, which I actually didn't. Great news. Kidding, I may have actually done it this time with three things. And it's the worst feeling. Yeah, yeah you let everyone down and yourself, I'll spare you the details. It's kind of a feeling that has lingered most of this term. This term sort of feels like I fell off my horse and my foot is still stuck in the stirrup and I'm getting dragged along and the skin is getting grated off my face by some gravel. Man, that was melodramatic. I guess I'm feeling melodramatic. That's a new one.

Someone smart told me I was burnt out. I'm inclined to agree, I guess. I could just be horrendously lazy, but I don't want to do this anymore. I've had enough. No more school work. No more of the same routine. I have essentially unconsciously done all that I can to try and not have a routine, which is ultimately why everything is chaotic. I'm making everything sound terrible. But it's not. I've had probably much more fun this year than I can recall, though it can be harder to remember when everything is frustrating and constricting and stressful. And I've realised that I just keep everything in, except for what I tell my beautiful friends. I wonder what will happen when I get my report if some things are really bad. Dad might get mad, I suppose. I can't tell him how hard I find things. I mean I could, but I don't think he'd understand, because he wasn't sympathetic when one of my teachers called him to say I wasn't keeping on top of things. Also, if I tried to explain myself, I'd probably cry and I'm not really good at being that vulnerable in front of many people, even if he is my Dad and I really love him so much. But I don't really tell him that often, which makes me feel bad, but then again, that's a different side to vulnerability..Also I'm going on a lot of holidays in the next couple of months which he is paying for, and I am really starting to feel like I don't deserve them if my school work is becoming progressively worse.

I need to say what I'm feeling more. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that, 'I shouldn't compare my problems to someone else's'. I feel like a self absorbed angsty butt. It's okay not to be totally resilient all the time. I think that silence is a disguise for resilience. If no one knows your problems and you can listen to other peoples', people often assume that you're indestructible. I thought I was, but now I'm like. Crumbly. Which is fine. The same smart person told me that I just need to keep going along. Which I tried to do and have subsequently come to fail three tasks (probably). But that's alright. Is it? Not really. I don't know. I'm tired and slipped back into the "shit there is something terrible in the morning, if I don't sleep it will take longer to arrive" mode. But the thing is, I still have to do pretty much all my study and find time to sleep for an hour or so. What the fuck am I doing? Fuck, fuck, fuck! No one else is like this. No one else is sitting in their bed at over 1 in the morning wallowing and eating Chinese leftovers.In the future, I'll be asked, "How did you find highschool mum?" "Well, I fell off the bandwagon and started failing things. Your mother burnt out. Are you proud?" Things would be a lot different if my mum was still around. I wouldn't be failing and I would be a lot more outgoing/extroverted. I didn't realise how much I needed her until now.

Okay I think I am mostly done. I don't feel quite as disparaged as before, but that's probably because I'm getting tired and that's another reason I always stay up late so that in the morning I am too tired to give any fucks about anything. Rosie, if I sounded a few tomatoes short of a salad I'm sorry, haha. I just needed to get it off my chest. Sometimes stubborn tears aren't as effective as this rambley nonsense. I love you so much! Thank you for seeing past the silence. I'm grateful for just you. I'm such a waffly twat. A perfect Hamlet. Too busy thinking 'what the fuck happened and why?' to actually do anything.