So...This
is not the blog post that I had planned to be writing next. What I have to say
right now isn't exactly cheerful. It's a bit more of a downer than what I
originally wanted to say. But what I want to say now is that...I think I might
have actually done it. I think, I might have actually managed to fail an
assessment piece.
It's
very strange, I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. I think I knew it was a
possibility when I first handed it in, but I'm very good at lying to myself, or
avoiding thinking about things when I choose… I find it scary how casually I
react to my own shortcomings. I wonder what's wrong with me, where has my
ambition gone? I suppose I still do have ambition, but I need to care about
things more than I currently do.
Tomorrow
morning, in the very first session, is when I will be receiving my marks. What
an excellent way to begin my day. When my teacher said this afternoon that she
couldn't confirm that no one failed, many girls exclaimed, "Oh no,
that's me!"
Honestly,
it's not you. Can you please have a little courtesy, and think about those who
actually might have to consider the fact that they may have failed? I expressed
my concerns to my friends, who immediately tried to reassure me that I did not
fail. It was lovely of them and completely normal for their compassionate
personalities, but did little to make me feel any better about my chances.
I should
clarify that I did try with this assignment. I wrote an assignment, full of
correct and sourced information. If truth be told, I did not adhere to
exactly what the task asked of me. I was supposed to create an investigation. But I did not investigate...I
suppose I just stated some information and tried to draw conclusions. I was not
confident with what I was doing, nor did I manage my time well.
I can
only hope that I don't fail. I can only hope that my family won't have to know about it either.
It won't be a huge deal, but they expect
more of me. I expect more of me, or I
used to, anyway. I hope I don't cry if it does happen. I know that my teacher
will be kind to me, because she likes me. The only partially positive aspect in
the situation, is that I have the chance to do this task again next term, for
which I am quite relieved. I didn't know that until this afternoon.
I'd like
to think that I have accepted my fate, so that if tomorrow arrives and I have
failed, I am not crushed. We'll see. I'll have my wonderful friends by my side
to assist me. I know that things need to change and that I'm the only one who
can do it for me. I often wonder how I arrived at this point. I think about
leaving it quite a lot.
