Out of the Frying Pan and into the Fire

Would you look at that. Let's stick to the recurring trend of scathing posts, drowning in bitter and biting tones. Why not. No one else will read this, though I have one faithful reader and I love her dearly. I guess I'm sorry for these loathsome posts. I hope they will get better in the future. No doubt I'll feel ashamed of this post later on, as I have of the others, though it doesn't make this one or those ones any less true. Although I never was awake for that sunrise, which I said I would be. That didn't actually happen.

So, out of the frying pan and into the fire. A good summary of this year. Basically leave everything until the last minute and then panic and get it done, sometimes quite shoddily. Now I've pretty much arrived at the point where I leave everything to the last minute, panic and don't really get it done. Earlier this year I wrote about maybe failing an assessment, which I actually didn't. Great news. Kidding, I may have actually done it this time with three things. And it's the worst feeling. Yeah, yeah you let everyone down and yourself, I'll spare you the details. It's kind of a feeling that has lingered most of this term. This term sort of feels like I fell off my horse and my foot is still stuck in the stirrup and I'm getting dragged along and the skin is getting grated off my face by some gravel. Man, that was melodramatic. I guess I'm feeling melodramatic. That's a new one.

Someone smart told me I was burnt out. I'm inclined to agree, I guess. I could just be horrendously lazy, but I don't want to do this anymore. I've had enough. No more school work. No more of the same routine. I have essentially unconsciously done all that I can to try and not have a routine, which is ultimately why everything is chaotic. I'm making everything sound terrible. But it's not. I've had probably much more fun this year than I can recall, though it can be harder to remember when everything is frustrating and constricting and stressful. And I've realised that I just keep everything in, except for what I tell my beautiful friends. I wonder what will happen when I get my report if some things are really bad. Dad might get mad, I suppose. I can't tell him how hard I find things. I mean I could, but I don't think he'd understand, because he wasn't sympathetic when one of my teachers called him to say I wasn't keeping on top of things. Also, if I tried to explain myself, I'd probably cry and I'm not really good at being that vulnerable in front of many people, even if he is my Dad and I really love him so much. But I don't really tell him that often, which makes me feel bad, but then again, that's a different side to vulnerability..Also I'm going on a lot of holidays in the next couple of months which he is paying for, and I am really starting to feel like I don't deserve them if my school work is becoming progressively worse.

I need to say what I'm feeling more. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that, 'I shouldn't compare my problems to someone else's'. I feel like a self absorbed angsty butt. It's okay not to be totally resilient all the time. I think that silence is a disguise for resilience. If no one knows your problems and you can listen to other peoples', people often assume that you're indestructible. I thought I was, but now I'm like. Crumbly. Which is fine. The same smart person told me that I just need to keep going along. Which I tried to do and have subsequently come to fail three tasks (probably). But that's alright. Is it? Not really. I don't know. I'm tired and slipped back into the "shit there is something terrible in the morning, if I don't sleep it will take longer to arrive" mode. But the thing is, I still have to do pretty much all my study and find time to sleep for an hour or so. What the fuck am I doing? Fuck, fuck, fuck! No one else is like this. No one else is sitting in their bed at over 1 in the morning wallowing and eating Chinese leftovers.In the future, I'll be asked, "How did you find highschool mum?" "Well, I fell off the bandwagon and started failing things. Your mother burnt out. Are you proud?" Things would be a lot different if my mum was still around. I wouldn't be failing and I would be a lot more outgoing/extroverted. I didn't realise how much I needed her until now.

Okay I think I am mostly done. I don't feel quite as disparaged as before, but that's probably because I'm getting tired and that's another reason I always stay up late so that in the morning I am too tired to give any fucks about anything. Rosie, if I sounded a few tomatoes short of a salad I'm sorry, haha. I just needed to get it off my chest. Sometimes stubborn tears aren't as effective as this rambley nonsense. I love you so much! Thank you for seeing past the silence. I'm grateful for just you. I'm such a waffly twat. A perfect Hamlet. Too busy thinking 'what the fuck happened and why?' to actually do anything.

I'm Not Growing Up, I'm Just Burning Out

So...This is not the blog post that I had planned to be writing next. What I have to say right now isn't exactly cheerful. It's a bit more of a downer than what I originally wanted to say. But what I want to say now is that...I think I might have actually done it. I think, I might have actually managed to fail an assessment piece.

It's very strange, I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. I think I knew it was a possibility when I first handed it in, but I'm very good at lying to myself, or avoiding thinking about things when I choose… I find it scary how casually I react to my own shortcomings. I wonder what's wrong with me, where has my ambition gone? I suppose I still do have ambition, but I need to care about things more than I currently do.

Tomorrow morning, in the very first session, is when I will be receiving my marks. What an excellent way to begin my day. When my teacher said this afternoon that she couldn't confirm that no one failed, many girls exclaimed, "Oh no, that's me!"

Honestly, it's not you. Can you please have a little courtesy, and think about those who actually might have to consider the fact that they may have failed? I expressed my concerns to my friends, who immediately tried to reassure me that I did not fail. It was lovely of them and completely normal for their compassionate personalities, but did little to make me feel any better about my chances.

I should clarify that I did try with this assignment. I wrote an assignment, full of correct and sourced information. If truth be told, I did not adhere to exactly what the task asked of me. I was supposed to create an investigation. But I did not investigate...I suppose I just stated some information and tried to draw conclusions. I was not confident with what I was doing, nor did I manage my time well.

I can only hope that I don't fail. I can only hope that  my family won't have to know about it either. It won't be a huge deal, but they expect more of me. I expect more of me, or I used to, anyway. I hope I don't cry if it does happen. I know that my teacher will be kind to me, because she likes me. The only partially positive aspect in the situation, is that I have the chance to do this task again next term, for which I am quite relieved. I didn't know that until this afternoon.

I'd like to think that I have accepted my fate, so that if tomorrow arrives and I have failed, I am not crushed. We'll see. I'll have my wonderful friends by my side to assist me. I know that things need to change and that I'm the only one who can do it for me. I often wonder how I arrived at this point. I think about leaving it quite a lot.

Standing in My Own Way

So... I guess I'm finally admitting that I'm standing in my own way. I couldn't pick a more articulate phrase to describe how I'm feeling at the moment, or how I've been feeling for the last while. The lyrics, "I heardthat everybody knows, that I've been standing in my own way.." come from a song that I like, and they really stuck with me recently. I'd like to think that it's not at a point where other people are aware of it, but really, who am I kidding..

I think it stems from me being lazy. I know I do work, try hard not to let others down and keep them happy, but oh my GOD, I'm letting a lot of things start to slide. I really need to change things. Immediately. I hope that this brief acknowledgment of a few of my flaws is an acceptable place to start.

Firstly, GO TO BED LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. It's around 3:30 as I write this. I know I'm on "holidays" right now, but there have been many a ridiculous school night where I have been awake at ungodly hours. I've always been a night person, though when I was younger, it was sort of natural. Now that I'm older, I have this thing that if I'm stressed or worried, I find it extremely difficult to sleep. Consequently, I delay sleep until my eyes bleed and I'm literally drooling. Usually, what I'm worried about is some school work that I haven't done. Another thing to acknowledge, is that I'm the worst procrastinator of schoolwork. It's starting to hold me back, in the year where it all counts. A restlessness has stirred within myself, and I can't focus. I just want school to be over. I want to be free. But I can't afford to think like this. I need to do my work, when I get it. Stop avoiding it like I do now. Be proactive and take a stand.

I also need to get my lazy ass a job. It's something that I have wanted for a while, because I know that in the not so distant future, I'm going to need money of my own. I can't be dependent forever, so it's time to start taking control of that aspect of my future. This also means I need to work harder to get my licence. I started off as a very timid and scared driver, but now I am discovering my confidence. I want to be challenged and get this done. Which also means stop being a lazy bitch and filling out my log book. EUGH, why have I not done this already?! ALSO, I need to organise driving lessons... I know they will scare me.

Eat better and exercise. Words cannot describe the amount of absolute crap that I have consumed over these holidays. I think, that on the inside, my body is crying from shit sleep patterns, lack of exercise, proper meal structure, fresh food and water. Exercise and diet are so, so so important, but mostly I just ignore them. But I do know that when I eat better and exercise, I do feel better and also sleep better.

Lastly, I need to be able to confront things...better. By that I mean, instead of ignoring my problems and avoiding them like the plague, I need to uncover them and just deal with them. Stop the silence and actually talk to the people who I should talk more to.. I must work harder and just stop being such a whiny shit. I think that I spend too much time wallowing in a sort of self-pity when I'm unhappy. There are people with worse problems and circumstances than myself. I need to get over things faster. I have so much inspiration from the internet showing the person that I'd like to be.. So I need to GTFO of my own way. Kung Fu Panda taught me that I'm the secret ingredient. So watch out..things hopefully will change..

Is it a common thing to feel like you are your own problem? What is the easiest way to fix it? Why is it so easy to lose sight of what we're striving for?

Today, I Will Watch the Sunrise

In approximately 5 hours time, I want to wake up and watch the sunrise. There is something totally unique and just...peaceful about the whole experience. Perhaps it is the stillness of the world, the crisp air, the sensational palette, or the sound of birds waking and calling their morning greetings down to us.


I am by no means a morning person, which means that I hardly ever get to experience this tranquility. I'm not really quite sure why I am doing this today. All I know is that I want to start this day with something enjoyable, something refreshing. Yesterday was not really a good day, and I can't even say why. I just did not feel happy for quite a bit of it. Tomorrow has its reasons for not shaping up to be a good day too. The first thing I have to deal with is a German listening test, which I haven't really studied for. I also have to worry about a music performance task that I'm not ready for either. (Which is not my fault, or anybody's, really.)

I'm sick of not being able to see around the things that make me unhappy. I have a great life mostly, but sometimes there are things, particularly assessment items, that are able to completely block any sense of pleasure and fun. This needs to change. This is my last year of school, and it needs to be the best one. Tomorrow, I am going to start taking initiative to work out the good things that happen each day, in order to cancel out the bad. I hope it goes well.

I found it kind of funny that a little while ago, it was raining.. Even if I can't see the sunrise, I will still be awake for it, to greet the new day. I need my attitude to change. I will not stop trying until it has.

Do you think it's important to evaluate your emotions and change aspects of you character that could be better? What is the first step to becoming a person that you like better?

X

1. Things Happening After Year 12 - Inevitable Facebook Purge

So, chances are if you are reading this, that you will have a Facebook account. It's pretty great. Entertaining, good for updates/new pictures from your friends, and easy to talk to people. I'd say that everyone knows by now, that there are some people who use Facebook like a diary, and constantly post unnecessary and extremely irritating statuses. Don't even get me started about ridiculous amounts of "selfies" that look EXACTLY the same.

I'm not going to waste your time and complain about how these people abuse Facebook, there's plenty of that all over the internet. I just want to note, that right now, I am over those people and their garbage in my newsfeed. I have decided, that when I finish school, I am going to un-friend them, or hide their updates.
That might sound quite harsh, and the real reality is, that it is. I'm not afraid to unfriend people that I don't know. That does not bother me at all. There are some people who I can't unfriend because it is rude, so their annoying updates will be hidden. Others from my year level, I will have to take into close consideration. I am interested to see where their lives take them, but am almost certain they will not care where mine goes.

The funniest thing, (it's not really funny at all, actually) is that the worst offenders are often not my age, but more the 'parental' age. There will be some depressing, private event that just happened, which somehow ended up in another one hundred peoples' feed, instead of one private conversation. Then the "good friends" line up and pledge their services. "You ok?" "Call me, babe" "It's ok, I'm here for you if you need me!" Yes - that is what you need when you are having problems, but it only serves to frustrate me that grown adults aren't smart enough to realise that their own lives need to be private.

The only other thing that annoys me about Facebook, is the constant obsession for likes. Particularly on profile pictures. Some people have heaps of likes on theirs, which is fine. But I find it uncomfortable when there are a very large amount of comments that say things like, "You're so beautiful! <3". The person should go and thank each person who commented and say thanks. But if it has that many likes and comments, unless it is a genuinely lovely photograph, it really does suggest a concerning self-absorption on appearance. It feels very awkward. In some cases it's so blatantly obvious that it frustrates me to no end. You're not the "fairest of them all." Stop taking so many pictures of yourself that look the same.

But enough of my annoyances. I hope other people understand what I mean. I know if I find it that annoying I can stop using it, but generally I see more good than bad. Hope you're having good days.

X

It's the End of the World As We Know it, and I Feel Fine

Hello all!

So I think that this blog may become an interesting way to document some events in my life. Starting now, I guess. Yesterday was the supposed end of the world, which happened to fall on my 17th birthday. I'm sure you can all imagine the witty birth/deathday puns posted on my Facebook wall by my friends, which were all greatly appreciated. For some reason, I was reminded of the part in The Chamber of Secrets, when Harry, Ron and Hermione attend Nick's deathday party. It would have been ironic if my birthday had become one with my death day. Or convenient.

Before I say anything about the actual day, I have a few things I wanted to say about the day before. It had been a fun day, where I had had lunch and tea in the cozy little Hazel Tea Shop in the city, with my friends Izzy, Cate, Rachel, my brother and Cate's mum. We played Uno and sang mainstream songs like the sophisticated young adults that we are. That evening, when Dad arrived home, we journeyed to East Brisbane to buy my bass, my birthday gift from Dad. The staff were super helpful, and I was able to find a beautiful bass and all the equipment I need to go with it. And also some banjo strings, as well as a business card for a potential teacher. Then we went grocery shopping and had Nandos for dinner, after which we went Christmas-Light-Looking. Good title/grammar, I know. I know that the act of seeing the lights itself is not of great consequence or excitement to you as a reader, but I wanted to let you know how I felt as a result. It was dark obviously, and we were driving along until we spotted a magnificently decorated house. I switched radio stations and Mull of Kintyre by McCartney/Laine came onto the radio. As we slowed right by the front of the house, I was caught up by how magical the house looked, bright and colourful, radiating festiveness, cheer and goodwill of the season. I was ensnared by the beauty of the song, captivated by its persona and its soulful melody. I became suddenly aware of how extremely happy I felt, and how much I loved the people in the car with me. I was so overcome by all of these contributing factors that for a little I was nearly teary. Wow, what a sap. Yeah, I am aware that I've just made myself sound exceedingly emotional. I just don't want to forget that memory, is all. :)

My actual birthday was uneventful until my friend Bri showed up to stay over. We enjoyed a fun afternoon until Dad arrived home with Brian. It was then I could finally open my presents, which were all lovely. Angela arrived not too long after. We had pizza for dinner, whilst we enjoyed lighthearted and amusing banter. Overall, dear reader, it has been a lovely day. Now I am 17. Hmm, the age of Bella Swan when she falls madly in love with Edward and wants to pledge her soul to immortality to spend the rest of eternity with him. Wow... I just..wow. I can't really articulate how that extreme that commitment feels, from the perspective of another 17 year old girl. But I'm not bagging Twilight, I actually like it. Most of it. I just don't relate, at least not to that aspect. Now I just have to memorise that I'm no longer 16. Saying I'm 17 feels strange, a little bit older than I'm supposed to be. Charlie, the protagonist from The Perks of Being a Wallflower provides an adequate explanation, when he describes the feeling of saying your name over and over out loud until it sounds weird to your own ears. But then again he was baked at the time. Like a cake.

I bid thee farewell now, as I must go and wish my friend Catherine a happy 16th birthday.
Tchuss!

Greetings, internet traveler!

Hi, welcome to my blog. Please make yourself at home. My name is Andree, and I must say that you've found me at quite an eventful stage in my life. My 17^th birthday of imminent death, Christmas and New Year's Eve all loom large on the horizon. I suppose I don't mean loom, seeing as though these are festive days of gift giving/receiving and partying. And 'eventful' stretches on even further, seeing as though next year is my last year of high school, which is terrifying and stressful, yet amazing and exciting. I often spend time wondering how I arrived at this point.

The thought of creating this blog and for allowing anyone to see it kind of scared me, but now that I guess you're here, it's not so bad. It's kind of nice. When I think about it, I really don't have anything to be afraid of or worried about. This is my space, for my creativity, insight and opinions - which I have lots of, that I want to share with you, because you're another person, with your own opinions and insights. I'm sure you're lovely.

There's not much else for me to say tonight, but a proper hostess would probably tell you more about herself. I'm not a terribly exciting character, but I do have a passion for music (composing, listening, ensembles etc), reading, writing, the internet, long and lone philosophical walks and tea. I'd being lying if I left out cats, the electric humidity before a summer storm, and food also in my list of things I love.

Well anyway, I will leave you to it. Have lovely (holi)days. I'm sure it won't be long until I'm back again with something new to say. DFTBA – is an INITIALISM, not an ACRONYM. (Eg ATM is an initialism, PIN is an acronym) which stands for 'Don't Forget to be Awesome'. It's a phrase coined by the vlogbrothers, two marvelous people trying to decrease world-suck. You should check them out on youtube and immediately feel yourself becoming a better human. (http://www.youtube.com/vlogbrothers) Goodnight/morning! :)