Standing in My Own Way

So... I guess I'm finally admitting that I'm standing in my own way. I couldn't pick a more articulate phrase to describe how I'm feeling at the moment, or how I've been feeling for the last while. The lyrics, "I heardthat everybody knows, that I've been standing in my own way.." come from a song that I like, and they really stuck with me recently. I'd like to think that it's not at a point where other people are aware of it, but really, who am I kidding..

I think it stems from me being lazy. I know I do work, try hard not to let others down and keep them happy, but oh my GOD, I'm letting a lot of things start to slide. I really need to change things. Immediately. I hope that this brief acknowledgment of a few of my flaws is an acceptable place to start.

Firstly, GO TO BED LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. It's around 3:30 as I write this. I know I'm on "holidays" right now, but there have been many a ridiculous school night where I have been awake at ungodly hours. I've always been a night person, though when I was younger, it was sort of natural. Now that I'm older, I have this thing that if I'm stressed or worried, I find it extremely difficult to sleep. Consequently, I delay sleep until my eyes bleed and I'm literally drooling. Usually, what I'm worried about is some school work that I haven't done. Another thing to acknowledge, is that I'm the worst procrastinator of schoolwork. It's starting to hold me back, in the year where it all counts. A restlessness has stirred within myself, and I can't focus. I just want school to be over. I want to be free. But I can't afford to think like this. I need to do my work, when I get it. Stop avoiding it like I do now. Be proactive and take a stand.

I also need to get my lazy ass a job. It's something that I have wanted for a while, because I know that in the not so distant future, I'm going to need money of my own. I can't be dependent forever, so it's time to start taking control of that aspect of my future. This also means I need to work harder to get my licence. I started off as a very timid and scared driver, but now I am discovering my confidence. I want to be challenged and get this done. Which also means stop being a lazy bitch and filling out my log book. EUGH, why have I not done this already?! ALSO, I need to organise driving lessons... I know they will scare me.

Eat better and exercise. Words cannot describe the amount of absolute crap that I have consumed over these holidays. I think, that on the inside, my body is crying from shit sleep patterns, lack of exercise, proper meal structure, fresh food and water. Exercise and diet are so, so so important, but mostly I just ignore them. But I do know that when I eat better and exercise, I do feel better and also sleep better.

Lastly, I need to be able to confront things...better. By that I mean, instead of ignoring my problems and avoiding them like the plague, I need to uncover them and just deal with them. Stop the silence and actually talk to the people who I should talk more to.. I must work harder and just stop being such a whiny shit. I think that I spend too much time wallowing in a sort of self-pity when I'm unhappy. There are people with worse problems and circumstances than myself. I need to get over things faster. I have so much inspiration from the internet showing the person that I'd like to be.. So I need to GTFO of my own way. Kung Fu Panda taught me that I'm the secret ingredient. So watch out..things hopefully will change..

Is it a common thing to feel like you are your own problem? What is the easiest way to fix it? Why is it so easy to lose sight of what we're striving for?